(intro music)

The Cloak Starring: The Cloak And the disembodied head of film noir legend: Robert Mitchum

(Something flaming is thrown out a window. We see in through the window the Cloak shooting flaming arrows and Robert Mitchum juggling chalupas with his spine and singing. The phone rings.)

Cloak: Hey Robert, can you get that?

(Robert continues singing.) Robert's Chalupa Song Lyrics: So on the winds, we sail forth, on the sea of chalupas. Chalupas! When out of the ocean: the Great Chalupa King. He comes with lightning bolts of electric lightning fury. My chalupas I defend, from the king of the Great Chalupa Sea. With his arms of modern steam powered engines of the future! $6.99 for a value meal! $6.99 for a value meal!

Cloak: Can you, uh...can you answer it? I'm kinda...kinda... (Robert is still singing) busy. Yeah, Robert! We're done with the chalupas now, okay?

(phone rings again, Robert keeps singing. Cloak throws flaming arrow at a chalupa and it hits the wall, setting the building on fire.)

Robert: (dropping chalupas) Aww.

Cloak: (answers phone) Hey, you've reached the Cloak! Private investigator and lifelong fighter of the international communist conspiracy, how may I help you?

Voice on phone: Hey. How's it goin'?

Cloak: Meet me at the pier at midnight. We will stare out at the ocean one last time. (phone clicks)


Robert: What?

Cloak: What do you mean, "what"?


Robert: I MEAN WHAT?!?!

(phone rings, Cloak answers)

Cloak: Hey, Antonio!

Voice on phone: Uh, no. This is Jurek. I called a second ago and you hung up on me.

Cloak: Your name is Jurek?

Voice on phone: Yeah.

Cloak: Is that a...(lowers voice) Russian name?

Voice on phone: No, it's Polish.

Cloak: Good! Between you and me, I think the Ruskies need a good kick in the balls, right in the testicles. The source of their commie power.

Voice on phone: (urgent) I need your help. It's my iguana, Joshua. He's joined a cult!

Cloak: Hmm, yes...Well, Antonio, do you have any idea which cult has ensnared your poor lizard?

Voice on phone: Yes. It's the national Libertarian Party.

Cloak: This could be serious. Like, AIDS serious. When was the last time you saw your iguana?

Voice on phone: About a week ago. They won't let him come back home! I'm lonely here with all furniture and purchased goods. All my objects...

Cloak: Depressing. Despondent. Woeful! Other synonyms for sad. I'll help you find your economically conservative and socially liberal iguana, good sir. Don't you worry.

Voice: Yaaaay! You fill me with happiness, my sweet walrus!

Cloak: I do my best to fill things. Now our services are $25 an hour and an extra $100 when we find your gator.

Voice: I'll give you $5 and the biggest hug you've ever seen!

Cloak: Well you've got yourself a slap-happy, butt-smackin' deal, good sir! By the way, we don't take Andora currency.

Voice: Yeah, no, I was just gonna pay you in regular dollars. I don't even know what Andora is.

Cloak: It's a principality between France and Spain. The people there are dirty.

Voice: Right...Well, let me give you my information here...

(Cloak hangs up.)

Cloak: What kind of a world do we live in, Robert? We've got to do something about it!

Robert: Okay! (puts cat in microwave, which explodes) Oh no! (bangs head on table)

(Now Robert is in a graveyard.)

Robert: Oh, Mittens!

(Cloak approaches.)

Cloak: Mr. Mitchum, we've got totally serious work to do. Antonio and his fine, fine iguana are counting on us. And that's a bond, Robert, a bond which sucks on the chocolaty nipple of time. Oh, I almost forgot! Let's go grab a board game; tonight's family fun night!

(Now they are in a toystore.)

Cloak: (pointing at toys) Can you believe this, Robert?

Robert: I believe in America!

Cloak: My precious childhood is being raped right in front of my eyes, and by Eskimos, no less, with their cold, feely hands! Look at all these toys! They're all covered in protective, kid-friendly safety foam! You could throw a kid down the stairs and he'll be fine! Why do you need...why do you need safety foam? And worse yet, they're all set to brainwash kids into believing things like friendship, sharing, and leading a healthy lifestyle! "Oh, hey! It's Henry, the health-time carrot burger, and he's come over to give you half his juice box 'cause he's just nice like that!"

Robert: By Jove, we've done it! Pull the hatch forward! What year is it, good sir?

Cloak: This isn't what kids need! Kids need menacing toy tanks with sharp metal edges that slice through their tender young skin when they play just a little too rough. They need commandos with attachable cigarettes for putting out in the eyes of their enemies. They need BB guns and hatchets and biles of goat urine and...

(an employee in the store walks up to him.)

Employee: Hey, uh, need any assistance?

Cloak: You may just be able to assist me, good sir! Can you tell me why you support this obvious communist plot to corrupt our youth and turn them into a bunch of take-only-what-you-need, love-the-earth pansies?

Employee: Yeah, you'll wanna take that up with management.

Cloak: Oh, this goes much higher than management. This goes straight to the top of your twisted corporate ladder! You know, I wonder if all these sudden outbursts are going to have an adverse affect on my blood pressure. I mean I'm not feeling too well lately, I mean I...I don't take really good care of myself as it is and I don't have medical insurance, so, you know...

(Cloak and Robert climb through the ceiling of a room in which a man in a white suit is standing, looking out the window into the burning city [wtf???].)

Cloak: (pointing at man) You!

Man: Yes, me! Can I help you?

Cloak: Are you the CEO of Toy Barn?

Man: That I am! I'm enjoying my window!

(Cloak takes out an axe and throws it into the CEO's face, who then falls to the floor dead.)

Cloak: And that's what you get. You get my axe of capitalism right in your face.


Cloak: Huh, by now as a communist he should have either dusted or turned into a giant red squid of some sort...

(Robert reaches into the CEO's pocket and pulls out his wallet.)

Cloak: Any thing, uh, interesting in there?

Robert: Hmm...He's got a "Temple Recommends" card.

Cloak: Aw, well crap! He's not a communist, he's a Mormon! Which explains his company's bizarre need to make everything obnoxiously bright and friendly...and well dressed...

Robert: Someone...

(Long silence.)

Cloak: Was there, like...any more to that statement, or...

Robert: Shut up, just shut your mouth!

Cloak:...Alright, well we gotta get this body out of the building. Oh, how 'bout seafood for lunch?

Robert: I like shrimpies!

Cloak: Yes, and I myself am in the mood for some...(odd music)...delicious crab meat...Alright, seafood it is!

(The Cloak and Robert are in the building lobby, Cloak with the dead CEO inside of his cloak. They stop in front of the security guard at the door.)

Cloak: (pretending to be CEO) Hello, fine citizen! You need not worry, because I, the CEO of this very company, am going out to procure some delicious, edible food substances! Would you like me to pick you up a cabbage or maybe some eggplants?

Guard: You've got an axe in your face.

Cloak: Hah! Well you've got an axe in your face!

Guard: (feels face) No...

Cloak: (throws axe in security guard's face) Ahh, the winds of March...Or is it the tides of March? I think the "Winds of March" is a song by Journey...

(Robert and Cloak in graveyard standing on a grave. Cloak is holding a shovel and panting.)

Cloak: (throws shovel) Aww, we forgot about family fun night!

Robert: I want to be the battleship!

Cloak: No! No! You always get to be the battleship! You can be the shoe. I wanna be the battleship for once.

Robert: You could be the myridyan vase!

Cloak: The...The what?

Robert: The myridian vaaaaassse!

Cloak: Uh...yeah...I don't understand what you're...

Robert: Someone's coming!

(cop walks in)

Cop: Hey. How's it goin'?

Cloak: Hey! It's's a rather swell night, isn't it?

Cop: I'm a cop. I'm an officer of the law.

Cloak: Why, yes you are. Ah, you are. And don't let anyone tell you that you're not.

Cop: I enforce the law. And laws and codes and statutes and other things that require the enforcement of a police department employee.

Cloak: Why, that is in fact your very job description!

Cop: Yeah, so looks like you may be breakin' some laws out here tonight.

Cloak: Well, let's see. I've murdered the CEO of a toy company and his faithful floor security guard, and now I'm burying their axed up bodies in the former grave of a Mr. P Widdlestone. The late Mr. P Widdlestone I have dug up and thrown in a canal across the street to make proper room for his casket's new residence...Or did I? I might be completely innocent.

Robert: Dearest me, I've forgotten my tulips!

Cop: Well, I do think that there are indeed a series of laws that have been broken here.

(Long silence. Cloak pulls out axe and cop shoots it out of his hands.)

Cloak: Holy freedom fries! Quickly, Robert! Run!

(Cloak and Robert are in a clocktower by a window.)

Cloak: Well, it seems the law has been laid down, Robert.

Robert: What's "the law"?

Cloak: Harsh and unforgiving. And now we're on the lam, outcasts of society. Pushed away from the large warm bosom of Lady America. It's not fair, Robert! I want that bosom!

Robert: Well, you did axe up two innocent people...

Cloak: Yeah, but one of them was a Mormon! Frikin Mormons with their freakin' dress shirts and ties and...secret underwear and always ringing my doorbell at dinnertime when I'm trying to enjoy my...delicious crab meat... Ah, well, what's done is done, you can't linger in the past.

(knock on door)

Cloak: (going to door) Huh, I wonder who that is... (opens door)

(a dirty hobo is standing in the doorway)

Hobo: Hey, would you like to buy some jumbo shrimp?

Cloak: ...are you serious? I'm hiding out in a clocktower...What do you think?

Hobo: Oh, this is some high quality shrimp I've got here, some tasty tasty shrimp...none of which I have licked...

Cloak: Uh, no. We don't want any shrimp.

Robert: Aww, but I like shrimpies!

Cloak: Robert, we're not buying any shrimp. I'm sorry. (closes door)

(Hobo knocks again. Cloak opens.)

Hobo: Yeah, hey, uh, sorry to bother you again, uh...Would you happen to have, like, a fork or something that I could buy? I have this can of spagetti but nothing to eat it with so, if you have like a fork or a sp--OH if you have a spork!...

Cloak: Okay, that's it, we're leaving! Oh, actually, you know what? Lemme do one thing before we go...(pulls out a gun and shoots, can hear someone screaming, cloak laughs) HAHA! Oh, did you see that? He...he just like collapsed, like, instantly...OH! Takin' a picture with my mind, that one's going in the memory book! AHAH! It's always been, like, a dream of mine to shoot someone from a clocktower. I just, I never thought I'd get the chance, you know?

(Cloak and Robert back in building.)

Cloak: Well, another day, another case solved.

(Phone rings, Cloak answers.)

Cloak: Hello?

Voice on phone: Hey! Did you find my iguana?

Cloak: Antonio, communism is a mistress that you later find out is a mis-TER, and no number of saltbaths will ever rinse you of the shame. (hangs up phone)

Hey, Robert, you ever wonder if like, somewhere out there in space, there's another planet exactly like ours, and like, another--another office with people in it exactly like us? Except they're like tacos, like, like taco people?

Robert: Chalupas?

Cloak: Yes. Sexy, sexy chalupas. And I would be the sexiest chalupa of them all. (someone knocks) Hey Robert, can you get that?

(The door blows open & SWAT team shoots the cloak and Robert mitchum .)

The Cloak

created by Jason Steele

developed by Jason Steele Matt Books

voice of Aurek Robert Benfer

Special Thanks Stephanie Steele

Special Thanks

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